ReFiNeMeNt

Isaiah 48:10
I have refined you, but not as silver is refined.  Rather I have refined you in the furnace of suffering.

Reflecting on the many areas of my life that God is/has refined, is a little overwhelming.  It's upsetting initially, because it is a bit painful.  But ultimately, I'm very thankful.  Refinement feels like a 'punishment' or a 'taking away' of something that has an element of fun, pleasure, or satisfaction.

Zechariah 13:9
I will bring that group through the fire and make them pure.  I will refine them like silver and purify them like gold.  They will call on my name, and I will answer them.  I will say, "These are my people," and they will say, "The Lord is our God."

Webster's definition of Refinement is the process of removing impurities or UNWANTED elements from a substance.

The difference between the definition/reality of refinement vs the illusion/delusion of refinement is the perception of the elements that are being removed.  If this difference is simply a perception, then I pray for a new perception.

Daniel 12:10
Many will be purified, cleansed and refined by these trials, but the wicked will continue in their wickedness and none of them will understand.  Only those who are wise will know what it means.

Perception is the way you think about or understand someone/something; the lens that we view life with.

Spiritual Perception is the ability to see beneath the outward form to the underlying, often hidden reality.

Luke 5:22
But Jesus, aware of their reasonings, answered and said to them, "Why are you reasoning with your hearts?"

I would love to perceive the world more like Jesus does.  I see trials and pain as hinderances in my productivity and freedom.  I see them as a punishment.  Maybe I wouldn't be in such a hurry to get past/through these points in life if I could better grasp the depth of the purposes behind them.  If my thoughts were more aligned with God's, maybe I would be more grateful for the trials and changes I undergo.  What if God is really giving me something better by taking things away….like a parent who takes something from their child good or bad….it's often to bless them with something more special.  The gift is so much more special than the object that's removed.

Jeremiah 29:11
"For I know the plans I have for you," says the Lord.  "They are plans for good and not of disaster, to give you a future and a hope."

Fish out of Water

I grew up with my grandparents being within 3 blocks of my house my entire childhood.  They had a pool and I had parents who loved to swim, so I naturally began swimming when I was very young.  I was a fish out of water!

I'll never forget the first times my Dad and Mom tried teaching me how to float.  I could swim like a little fish and I knew many different strokes, but floating was a different story.  When I was told to lay on my back and 'relax' or 'just trust us, we won't let you sink'.....I freaked out!  As I would begin to feel like I was sinking, I would revert to what had worked before.  I'd splash my arms and legs around until I found myself in an upright position!  To stay afloat and alive in the water, I had always actively done SOMETHING!  So, how silly did it seem to expect to stay above the water when I did NOTHING?!?!

The idea of floating on my back didn't even make sense.  I didn't seem to be good at it.  It seemed boring.  What was the point?  I didn't move or go anywhere!  Why would anyone WANT to learn this?

Yet, Dad and Mom insisted that I become a proficient floater.
"Just relax....I'll have my hands right under you!"
"Trust me, Jennifer....I will be right here."
"Try not to move your arms or legs,  just slow down your body and breathing."
"Let's keep practicing..."

Thankfully, my parents were patient and knew what was best for me!  After a lot of training, I could actually float!  I started to notice things differently than I had when I actually swam.  I became aware of the clouds, the sky, the birds.....how the clouds moved at unique speeds, how bright the sun was and how warm it felt.  The contrasting types of birds.  The shape of the walnut trees in my grandparents yard.  The distinct way the wind made the branches and leaves move.  The way the water felt against my skin when I moved only slightly.  It seemed so strange to hear both the sounds that echoed under the water and the crisp noises above it, simultaneously!

There was something very valuable to resting on the water....I felt refreshed.  Floating seemed invaluable if I ever got into a pinch in deep water.   How bizarre that I'd spent so much time in the water and yet never experienced the world in this light!  How could something so physically idle, bring about such an mental alteration?

Maybe this could shed some light on the verse Psalm 46:10.  "Be still, and know that I am God…"
If we don't move, how can we be productive?  If we don't work, how can we attain? Yet, repeatedly, the Bible shows our need to just REST in Gods presence.  In Luke 10:38-42, there's the story of Mary and Martha who are hanging out with Jesus.  Mary is hanging, but Martha is working.  Martha is annoyed with Mary for just sitting around listening to Jesus while she ran around "distracted with the day's preparations." Sounds familiar.  I'd be annoyed with Mary.  And how does Jesus reply?  "Mary has chosen what is better."  Como se what?!  Sounds pretty ridiculous to me!

Strangely enough, God has had me in the LONGEST season of 'being still.'  What if He truly is sovereign, even if it doesn't feel like it?  What if He truly loves me more than I can comprehend? What if, like my parents, He knows something special that He wants to share with me?  Is it possible that something incredible could come from ME doing nothing and HIM doing everything?  Instead of me laying back, kicking and screaming, fighting to be upright...what kind of blessing could come if I just trust God's hands to hold me as I rest in Him?

Our God is Greater - Chris Tomlin (+playlist)

bRoKeNeSs

Luke 8:43-48
Now there was a woman who had been suffering from hemorrhages for twelve years, and though she had spent all she had on physicians, no one could cure her.  She came up behind him (Jesus) and touched the fringe of his clothes, and immediately her hemorrhage stopped.   Then Jesus asked, "Who touched me?"  When all denied it, Peter said, "Master, the crowds surround you and press in on you."  But Jesus said, "Someone touched me; for I noticed that power had gone out from me.  When the woman saw that she could not remain hidden, she came trembling; and falling down before Him, she declared in the presence of all the people why she had touched Him, and how she had been immediately healed.  He said to her, "Daughter, your faith has made you well; go in peace."

As I wrote this passage out, I couldn't help but notice that the woman practically snuck up behind Jesus and touched Him.  She didn't come up beside Him.  She didn't come up in front of Him to touch Him.  She came up behind Him!  Why?  Why did she do that?  What was she thinking?  Was she feeling shameful and fearful because of her illness?  She couldn't help that she was sick or diseased!  It's not like bleeding was the result of sin that she should be shameful of.  Bleeding was out of her control.  Physical sickness can be a result of sin, but often times it's completely independent of sin.

I can relate to this.  I felt shameful, dirty and unlovable with my surgeries.  But why?  It makes NO sense!  They were out of my control.  I wasn't dirty!  I wasn't unlovable!  And yet, I felt shame.  Why?

Why would she have been fearful?  Was she afraid Jesus would be upset with her for touching him?  Doesn't seem likely....He had never gotten upset at anyone who had asked Him for healing before!  Was she fearful of what the crowds would think of her?  BINGO!  Again, I resonate with this!  We (at least I) are often fearful of others' thoughts about our weaknesses, insecurities, and short comings. People tend to praise strengths, power, & special abilities but we criticize, critique and look down on anything less.

Why do we do that?  We all have weakness...so knowing that they create fear in our own hearts, why would we judge the weaknesses of others?  I'm guessing the answer is simple.  Pride...it makes us feel somewhat better about ourselves when we can find weaknesses in others.

So, what would happen if her fear & shame trumped her hope in Jesus and his ability to heal?  Would she have just stayed back in the mediocracy of the crowd in hopeless wonder?  Thankfully, she didn't do that. She had only one hope left after trying everything else possible.  She stepped out in faith, pushed forward, reached out and caught the 'fringe' of His clothes.  She reached out still carrying shame and fear, but found "immediate" healing.

Then, to what seemed like her biggest fear, she was busted!  Jesus totally knew she'd touched him & He called her out!  He wasn't angry, He wasn't condescending, He wasn't judgmental....He simply brought her shame, fear, sickness & weakness out into the open, and He turned it into a beautiful story of healing, grace and faith!  Centuries later, we are still learning from it!  Let's face it, she made history!!!  She made it into the world's greatest, most popular, most sold book today....The Bible!

Since Jesus was all about parables & healing, I can't help but wonder if He also healed more than just her physical sicknesses....I'm putting money on the practicality that her emotional and spiritual life was changed, too.

So, where does this leave us?  Why would we wait to reach out in faith?  What are we afraid of?  If God wants to heal us, will we let shame and fear keep us from this?  What can man do to us anyway?  Point fingers?  Make fun?  Criticize?  Judge?  And if he does, who cares?!  Especially considering that we get to reap the internal and external blessings of God's healing grace!

What's holding you back?

Psalm 118:6
The Lord is for me, so I will have no fear.  What can mere people do to me?

Deuteronomy 31:8
The Lord himself goes before you and will be with you;  He will never leave you nor forsake you.  Do not be afraid;  do not be discouraged.

Psalm 139:1-18
You have searched me, Lord, and you know me.  You know when I sit and when I rise; you perceive my thoughts from afar.  You discern my going out and my lying down' you are familiar with all my ways.  Before a word is on my tongue, you, Lord, know it completely.  You hem me in behind and before and You lay Your hand upon me.  Such knowledge is too wonderful for me, too lofty for me to attain. Where can I go from your Spirit?  Where can I flee from Your presence?  If I go up to the heavens, You are there;  if I make my bed in the depth; You are there.  If I rise on the wings of the dawn, if I settle on the far side of the sea, even there your hand will guide me, you right hand will hold me fast. If I say, 'Surely the darkness will hide me and the light will become night around me,' even the darkness will shine like the day, for darkness is as light to you.  
For you created my inmost being; You knit me together in my mothers womb.  I praise You because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;  Your works are wonderful, I know that full well.  My frame was not hidden from You when I was made in the secret place, when I was woven together in the depths of the earth.  Your eyes saw my unformed body; all the days ordained for me were written in Your book before one of them came to be.  How precious to me are your thoughts, God.  How vast the sum of them.  Were I to count them, they would out number the grains of sand.   When I awake, I am still with You. 

Temporary Home....

How appropriate to hear this song this morning!

Mobility

God has had me on quite the journey for the last year.  I've always loved to travel and the idea of a mobile life, but this is not the dream I had in mind for my life.  I am no longer living in Elkhorn, Nebraska.  I sold my home and found myself living with my sister and her family for a while, then in a duplex/rental with 3 other girls, then with my sister again after surgery, and now back in the duplex.  In the meantime, I bought another home in north Omaha.  It needs some work, which takes much longer than I'd anticipated.

How did I get to this point in my life?  I ask myself this and can't help but chuckle.  When I say, "God spoke to me" or "I felt God prompting/leading me to do something," I'm not talking about an audible voice.  I'm referring to that deep, personal conviction or prompting.  How do I know it comes from God?  A couple reasons come to mind:

1)  It's strong and convincing....I recognize it as a familiar-ness (new word of the day).

2)  It typically doesn't initially line up with my idea of fun....hardly ever.  

3)  When I ask God in prayer to show me what He really wants from me, random/coincidental comments/events confirming God's plan for me are revealed by people or things that take my breath away.

Why would God ask something of me that I don't want to do?  Or go somewhere I don't want to go?  Live in north Omaha???  A predominantly black neighborhood laden with crime and poverty?  God did you forget I'm a single, white female with some messed up knees?  I couldn't run if I wanted to right now!  I worked hard to get through school, so I could have a nice home and nice things....not so I could give up my securities and comforts and move to north O!

Seriously....

Jeremiah 29:11
"For I know the plans I have for you," says the Lord.  "They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope."

Psalm 37:4
Take delight in the Lord and He will give you your heart's desires.

Remember I said that God's plans for my life typically don't line up with my ideas, at least initially?  That's probably because my desires weren't aligned with His.  Funny, when you pray for God to line your heart up with His heart, your desires tend to change....at least they did for me.  It took about of year of me asking Him to use my life for something that would make a difference in this broken, messed up world, and a year of me begging Him to please not ask me to move to north Omaha.  

Suddenly, like flipping on a light switch....it's bright and painful for a moment.  Your eyes take time to adjust, but suddenly you can see!  In that moment, when things become clear because of the light, you know what you need to do.  The fear to move dissipates as the room is exposed.  The steps to take in order to get from point A to point B are obvious and tangible.  Instead of paralysis, there is excitement in the confidence that you can visualize the task at hand, knowing the path is bright.

Remember too, I mentioned God's voice being familiar?  He doesn't always 'speak' to me in the same ways, but He definitely assures me it's Him each time.  It's the same deep sense of 'knowing' that comes from taking leaps with Him in the past....purely in faith....faith that He would guide me, praying He would heal me,  trusting He would fulfill me somehow in life where it seemed impossible.  'Knowing' He's given me this amazing life to live in spite of my failures and weaknesses....this grace He gives me each day gives me even more hope for me future.